Report: Berenstein Universe Exists Due to Time Travel
Social media exploded this morning with news broken by reputable Twitter user Aaron Barclay-Baker that an ancient time being from the future altered Earth’s history and thence future by siphoning mass away from the star Alpha Orionis sometime during the Palaeoarchaean era, during which the LUCA is proposed to have existed.
“I had a dream about an alternate universe where nobody had split nasal cartilage, and appendices were on the left side”, tweeted Barclay-Baker last Tuesday from his hovel in Billings. “But then I realized it was a suppressed memory from my trip to the other side, and not a dream.”
The following is his combined tweet thread on the matter, so y’all don’t have to suffer that hellhole:
“It was revealed to me that an alien named Ga’psogorgor, from a future in which solar matter is a precious, guarded resource, broke intergalactic law by traveling back in time to steal some from Betelgeuse 3,300 mya, in order to power a debaucherous space-casino barge for personal financial gain. 642.5 years later, give or take, the shift in the star’s relatively minor gravitational pull on Earth caused the environmental fitness of one of the competitors of our (or their) timeline’s LUCA to be slightly greater, leading to a different cascade of life-forming events through time. One thing led to another, and suddenly Berenstain was spelled Berenstein. Or vice versa. Also the Cincinnati Bengals had won the Big Game five years running.”
Barclay-Baker reportedly had no statistically significant information about whether the alternate timeline versions of everyone had goatees, which would have been supporting evidence for which timeline is the default timeline and which is the darker timeline. But this revelation does support the model of time wherein changes to the past cause a forking in the universe rather than an all-reconciling, immutable, past-to-future universal path. (Sorry, Calvinists.)
Barclay-Baker isn’t sure how he or other travelers came to be exposed to the alternate timeline, but promised to tweet any further notions after “this dope spliff”.