Track Meat Launches Employee Incentivization Nanotechnology
SAN FRANCISCO, PACIFIC STRATOSPHERE, 12/03/2219 — Silicon Island newcomer Track Meat International Inc. (NASDAQ: TMI) today announced general availability of its productivity-boosting Humane Resources service to companies worldwide. Billed as a replacement for old-fashioned and inefficient time- and task-tracking systems, Track Meat’s new offering claims to increase employee output as much as tenfold through use of its pioneering nanotechnology, which instantly reports specific muscle movements to managerial KPI dashboards.
Track Meat has released an explainer hallucination on the Internet of Beings (IoB) which illustrates how employees are injected with a swarm of HR nano-scale robots, powered by the host’s own metabolic systems, that proceed to form a net-shaped pattern throughout the body in order to accurately tabulate the breakdown of adenosine triphosphate molecules by myofibrils in the body’s muscular tissue.
“Each one of these little guys is an ‘Efficiency Utility’, or Eff-U,” says Navin Mahanti, Track Meat’s Head of Engineering. “Workplace metrics for productivity have always been bullshit, but we decided to fully commit to measuring the wrong things just for the hell of it. Our Eff-U swarms allow managers to ensure their work fam are bustling bees at every conceivable moment, and even offer direct incentivization for paying HR+ customers.”
Track Meat marketing materials boast additional benefits afforded by the tiny machines, such as accurate depreciation adjustments as worker bodies measurably deteriorate, direct ROI of employee wages, automatic withholding for inactive users, policing of breakroom snack consumption, and even remote worker control.
“We built the system from the underfunded, altruistic labor of academic researchers who we refuse to acknowledge in an effort to create a cult of personality around our founder, me,” says Armand Gambol, Track Meat CEO. “We’re excited about all the extra value the ruling class will be able to wring out of its wholly owned assets using this breakthrough technology.”
The Tim Cook Clone VII Twitter bot CEO promised adoption of the HR system at all Apple Temple Genius Bars, lauding it as “the kickoff of the seventh industrial revolution.”
Interested conglomerates may apply for a trial run of the nanites via the usual smoke-filled rooms.