Universe Trials Existence Opt-In
The Universe announced today that it has begun A/B testing a new prenatal questionnaire with a subsection of its unborn userbase.
“We’re all about improving the sentient manifestations of me experiencing myself,” says Cosmordios the Self-Similar, Head of PR at Universe. “Some of our customers have expressed that they wished they had never been born, but now that they’re alive, they are conditioned by society and fear to keep existing.” To combat this issue, Universe is piloting a pre-consciousness poll that lets humans decide whether or not to assume the unbearable mantle of being in the first place.
“We modeled it after common middle-school crush Valentines,” says Cosmordios All-Maker, Head of Product Development at Universe. “From the mouths of babes, or something like that. We figured the stakes and emotional burden were similar.”
Cosmordios Skybreaker, Seaburner, Earthswallower, Sunwringer, QA Lead at Universe, says they had significant kinks in the early designs. “Our users have high standards to meet. And we had a whole helping of paradox to break down at first. How can a being make a decision about being without first… being? Thankfully, we had the entire Star Trek: Voyager DVD set in the break room to give us the galaxy’s gold standard in plot hole hand-waving training. The answer was quantum physics or some shit, idk”
Universe’s numerous recent controversial appearances in the news have drawn ire from a disgruntled populace, but its CEO Cosmordios Who Is Breath, Death, Light and Love, Darkness and Hunger is hopeful that this new UX change will put life back in the public’s good graces, adding, “We’ve also just been pumping out a metric fuckton of superhero movies to keep them distracted.”
Early reports of the opt-in program’s efficacy are statistically useless, given that half the participants were not available for further comment.
“We don’t really know what we’re doing, to be honest,” say the Cosmordii in frightening, reverberant unison. “We wish you guys hadn’t killed God.”