Half of Jesus’ Apostles Women, Two Gay
Not to be outdone by JK Rowling’s escapades in retconning published literature, The Almighty God Yahweh today sent the world a tip via the ePiphany divine revelation platform that six of His Son the Messiah’s apostles were actually women, and two of them were gay.
“Yeah, I’m really feeling this new era of equality and diverse representation,” says God. “I mean, I did make some people gay. Hell, half the population is women. Dunno what I was thinking with the marketing plan, being so sexist and homophobic. I guess since I’m a Dude, it’s easy for me to forget my experience isn’t universal. Well, it is in a sense. But you get what I mean.”
The new canon of messengers of The Good Word is now as follows:
- Simone Petra (Formerly Simon Peter)
- Jamie (Formerly James)
- Joni (Formerly John, lesbian)
- Philippa (Formerly Philip)
- Bartholomew
- Mattison (Formerly Matthew)
- Paul (gay af)
- Thomas
- James, son of Alphaeus
- Simon
- Judy (formerly Judas, son of James)
- Judas Iscariot
God cited the importance of His Eternal, Pre-Time, Foundational-to-Existence Truths being seen as relevant to the zeitgeist, because He doesn’t want people to suffer for eternity just because the method for salvation sounds absurd and outdated, like mere power-hungry ravings of hallucinating, primitive men. He also added that Paul was already actually gay, but we were too stupid to realize. “Come on, guys. ‘Thorn in the flesh?’ And he did protesteth a bit much.”
According to Reuters, churches all over America are filling with bitch-ass punks who can’t handle anything that doesn’t fit into their myopic worldview, and are boycotting the revised gospel, stating that if the KJV was good enough for Paul and Silas, then it’s good enough for them. When asked for comment, God replied with a *wink* and the observation that “lots of things were good enough for Paul and Silas.”
When asked how he would respond to ongoing criticisms, God said he didn’t actually give enough of a fuck to step in, as usual.
The dirty atheists note that now there is no need to clarify which Simon, James, or Judas you’re talking about. So that’s a win, we guess.