Talking During Movie Ruled Unconstitutional, Capital Offense
President Trump, in flagrant disregard of the doctrine of separation of powers, today declared via Twitter that saying anything during a movie is “uncontitstutional” [sic] and punishable by death.
The Commander in Chief tweeted the declaration from his iPhone (at 100% brightness, according to a secret service agent who wished to remain anonymous), apparently unaware that the Supreme Court is the only governmental body that passes judgment on Constitutionality.
Staffers at the White House report that President Trump was in a private viewing of The Avengers: Endgame with family, who kept loudly panicking about the emoluments clause and money laundering, as well as cabinet members, who clambered over each other to be the next in line to suck the President’s dick. The Orange One finally lost his cool when an aide entered and asked whether he wanted his submarine sandwich toasted.
“AS OF TODAY ANYONE WHO SPEAKS DURING A MOVIE SHALL BE SENTENCED TO INSTANT DEATH,” says the tweet from Thursday. “This is a real executive order I will be putting on paper later today. Such acts are against the American dream and UNCONTITSTUTIONAL!”
Trump has garnered much support for the act from conservative punditry, who claim that as The Inerrant Word of the Forefathers, the Constitution is living and well and definitely relevant to all aspects of modern life as an absolute ethical and moral compass, and not in fact a crusty, over-worshiped red herring.
The move was also supported by Nerds Against Spoilers and the NRA, who recently launched a campaign pushing for removing movie theaters’ right to ban firearms from their premises. The order was opposed by overly talkative grandmothers and the drunk.
According to TGU’s expert on Constitutional law, Amanda Bynes (no relation), there is some precedent for banning speech in public theaters, but that it is largely constricted to bans on incitement of panic, an exception to freedom of speech popularly cited in high school political science classes.
“He hasn’t much of a leg to stand on here, as usual,” says Bynes, “but it doesn’t seem like anyone gives much of a fuck anymore, so whatever. It’s law.” She added that perhaps the “Contitstution” had different guidelines.
Trump was reportedly last seen Googling whether the Infinity Gauntlet could be used to target immigrants.