Google to release Shh, the Savior of Remote Workers

Google (NASDAQ: GOOGL) unveiled its latest hardware offering today at the Summit for Sugarcoating Capitalism in San Francisco. Targeted at millennial remote workers, the Google Shh is a telepresence tool “built for the gig economy.”

A futuristic, opaque, reflective orb, the Google Shh is a helmet that behaves much like gaming’s VR rigs, such as the HTC Vive and Facebook’s Oculus Rift, in that it pipes imagery and sound directly to the user’s eyes and ears, but its killer feature is decidedly more productivity-focused: Silence.

“Millennials don’t want to spend their entire lives in offices, chained to meaningless work that fattens an already fat cat’s phat stax, so we’re seeing a trend across industries toward giving them false hope by letting them do their soul-sucking drudgery in coffee shops sometimes,” says Gunther Olafsson, Director of Research for Money Money Wealth Money Inc., who runs the summit. “But those places are loud, and there’s not often a quiet place for customers to step into to make a call. The Shh will let companies retain their iron grip on employee attention and productivity despite their location in a social space.”

Andrea Riccoleti, Head of Product for Google’s Pacification Labs, details the advanced life-canceling technology that they created for the Shh in a recent, definitely legit TED Talk.

“Sound-canceling technology, which is based on creating sound waves perfectly out of phase with natural noise, has been around for a long while. We’re just now perfecting the tech for our other senses, like sight and a sense of purpose and fulfillment.”

The Shh marks Google’s eighth messaging tool and will only connect with other Shhes, because Google be like that.

Google CEO Sundar Pichai hailed the Shh as a “revolutionary innovation in the innovative revolution space.” It goes on sale Sometember 30th.