Guinness World Records Confirms Smallest Phallic Graffito
Adjudicators for Guinness World Records confirmed today that a new global record for the tiniest penis vandalization has been set by Gail Hardy of Texas A&M University. At 338.4 picometers (423/12,500,000,000 centimeters) long, Hardy’s “Little Richard” takes the crown from the work of previous record holder Dr. Rudolph Heinzmann, a cosmetic surgeon who faced litigation last year when his patients kept discovering penis-shaped scarring after operations.
Hardy achieved the feat after having been dared by a research assistant to “do something ballsy” with her access to expensive, cutting-edge lab equipment.
“They’ve always called me a stick in the mud. I have trouble being a rebel, breaking rules, misusing public resources,” says Hardy. “So I compromised. I only took four carbon monoxide molecules.”
Hardy used a scanning tunneling microscope to move the minuscule particles into place on a copper substrate. “It took me about five minutes.”
Alex Kitsopoulos, who leads one of Guinness’ research teams, claims settling on criteria for what constituted a phallus was a much bigger challenge than beating the record was. “We had some heated arguments in the office, and there was way too much research involved. I close my eyes, and… [weeps]”
Hardy was released from her research position once the nude hit the Internet. Kitsopoulos’ team is now off to validate claims to the vandalization of the world’s smallest penis.