Cheese and Heartbreak Pairings

Just in time for the holidays, our staff here at TGU has gotten together a panel of experts to determine the best cheese and heartbreak pairings for your inevitable miserable experiences this winter. No need to thank us.

Smoked Gouda

First up, smoked Gouda. This hard cheese is notable for its strong, sharp flavors and deceptively smooth texture.

“It tastes like being fired.”

“Yeah, especially since it’s smoked Gouda.”

The general consensus on this cheese was that it was the clear go-to for major tragedies. This cheese is the heavy artillery of the cheese-and-tragedy pairing world. It’s rich and heavy—almost heavy enough to counteract that looming car payment you probably won’t make this month.

“This cheese tastes like something you won’t be able to afford soon because you’ll be unemployed.”

In the words of our final panelist: “I was going to say the death of a parent or a grandparent. It tastes of old things.”

 

Garlic and Herbs Goat Cheese

This cheese, with its strong and distinctive flavors, pairs well with smaller disappointments and inconveniences.

“Memorable, distinctive… I’m thinking of a first date that doesn’t go as well as you’d hoped.”

“I was thinking rejection.”

“This cheese tastes like not getting to pick the movie.”

The garlic overtones and subtle herbs are both uplifting and soothing: the perfect solace for a bruised heart.

 

Creamy Havarti

Creamy Havarti is a revelry of luxuriant prosaicness. This inoffensive cheese will strike you with its lack of features that could be taken in dislike. Taste, texture, and smell unite to create an experience that will say to your mouth: “yes, that sure is cheese.”

It is, in the word of our first panelist, “ennui. Definitely ennui.”

“Lack of excitement. Listlessness.”

Our final panelist missed out on the initial tasting, and rendered his verdict later.

“This cheese is definitely ennui. What did you guys say?”

So in the end, this creamy Havarti, available at your local deli, did turn out to have one distinguishing feature: it was the one cheese that achieved perfect unanimity amongst our panelists. Creamy Havarti: the universal human experience.