Church wins in landmark Santos v. Nye case, protecting total fabrications

The SCOTUS passed down its ruling today in the Santos v. Nye case, a messy, drawn-out litigation between Bishop Evan Santos of the Diocese of Toledo and Bill Nye “the science guy”, famed TV educator. The court found that the church’s claims to eternal life were not false advertising, but indeed covered by legal precedents which protect “puffery”, or marketed claims that no “reasonable person” would take seriously.

“Normally, I’m content to sling veiled insults and deconstruct absurd worldviews using empirical evidence and sound reasoning on Twitter,” said Nye to AP at the start of the suit last February. “But Evan and I had one too many down at The Blarney and I somehow roped myself into a dare to prove that I could beat God in court.”

“We were watching the Rockets game and I mumbled a prayer, which set him off,” says Santos. “One thing led to another, and suddenly we had a holy war on our hands.”

Allegedly, after Nye took several contract and tort law classes for a business management degree at a local community college, it sparked a passing interest in American jurisprudence.

The court predicated its ruling primarily on the First Amendment, which contains a clause pertaining to so-called separation of church and state, but comments from the justices implied that the petition for certiorari was simply too splendid and absurd a spectacle not to watch play out, especially given how uninspired millennials have been by the SCOTUS Instagram.

“At one point, Bishop Santos was singing Handel’s Messiah at the top of his lungs to drown Mr. Nye’s arguments and frantic whiteboard diagrams,” said Justice Ginsburg. “Ratings gold.”

“Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill!” said Kavanaugh.

Both parties declined to comment on the ruling, but were seen amicably rolling a CRT TV cart out of the court together.