Local Nonagenarian Accuses Nat King Cole of Ageism

Local woman Evelyn Sue Rubenacker, 93, is suing the estate of Nathaniel Adams Cole, known by his professional name Nat King Cole. The suit claims that The Christmas Song, first recorded by Cole in 1946, is ageist, and seeks $25 million in emotional distress damages.

The offending line from the classic song is well-known:

And so I’m offering this simple phrase
To kids from 1 to 92
Although it’s been said many times
Many ways
Merry Christmas to you

Rubenacker claims the song is inescapable in public life as she shops, gets her hair cut, and dines at Denny’s every Christmas season, and that it reminds her of how terrible being old is in America.

“The song clearly only wishes happiness to people up to the age of 92,” she says. “Christmas lost its magic for me half a century ago, but dammit, I will be wished a merry one!”

Rubenacker was 21 at the time of the initial recording of the song and took no issue then. “I didn’t give it a second thought. I was never going to be 93. But now I see that I was wrong af, and now I’ve got to speak my truth.”

No radio stations have removed the song from circulation at press time, nor has anyone given a rat’s ass on social media, where the older generations are the clear fucker-uppers of everything and deserve no human dignity or respect–only lumps of coal–despite common rhetoric about equality and socialist ideals.

Cole’s estate has declined to comment.