Existential “Hug-Me Dready Bear” Hits Shelves this Week

Hasbro unveiled its new must-have toy of the holiday season: the Hug-Me Dready Bear. This cuddly li’l friend mumbles a number of lovable phrases when squeezed, including “What does it mean to be a teddy bear”, “existence is unBEARable”, “what is my purpose”, and occasionally “HELP, I’M TRAPPED IN A STUFFED TOY”. Lines of frazzled parents are already forming outside local stores, each parent hoping for a shot at snagging this year’s hottest toy.

“Little Timmy will be so excited to finally get his Hug-Me Dready,” said area woman as she set up her tent outside StuffMart. “He’s been writing to Santa every day for three weeks. He’s been carrying around his stuffed panda and muttering things like ‘the void gazes back’ and ‘extinction is inevitable’ but it just isn’t the same. He really wants a Hug-me Dready.”

At the time of publishing, Hasbro is offering little comment on the inventors of this toy, saying only that they are “perfectly fine” and “definitely NOT curled up into a ball under their desk.”