Senator Bernie Sanders runs on “Crunchwrap Supremes for Everyone” for 2020 election

True to his socialist roots, Senator Bernard Sanders (I-Vermont) today declared his bid for the US presidency on a truly people-minded platform. His various social media channels started blasting his populist message of “Crunchwrap Supremes for Everyone” with near religious fervor.

Jeffrey P. Weaver returns as Sanders’ campaign manager after heading up a surprisingly competitive run in 2016, and thinks the road to America’s future is clear: “Bernie’s heart has always been on the ground, among families, uninterested in the detached echelons of the political and social elite. These last few years, the cry of the people across the nation has been clear: We want crunchwraps.”

Historically focused on issues such as universal healthcare, subsidized higher education, paid maternity leave, reduced military spending, and other left-leaning positions, Sanders now believes he has struck upon a more central unmet need of the American public, “more fundamental to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.”

“Taco Bell has climbed to 11th place in number of nationwide fast-food locations,” Sanders says in the announcement video posted to his Facebook page, “But families all over the states are still struggling to put crunchwraps on the table.”

Details are scarce on where funds for this revolutionary Universal Basic Indigestion would come from. “We’re drafting the details, writing the stump speeches,” says Weaver. “But we can tell you Mexico certainly won’t pay for it. [laughs]”

Taco Bell’s parent company Yum! Brands (NASDAQ: YUM) took a hit on the stock market following the campaign’s launch because this here country don’t take kindly to commies what didn’t break their backs for a paltry morsel.