Scientists redefine true meaning of Christmas, black hole opens in Indiana
The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration today issued a statement regarding the formation of a microsingularity in the vicinity of Santa Claus, Indiana at 11:30 GMT early Thursday morning.
Associated consequences have prompted minor panic on social media in the intervening hours. Locals have flooded emergency services with reports of feeling “lopsided”, that walking in certain directions has become more difficult, and that they were having difficulty catching flipped pancakes with their skillets.
The NOAA’s statement is sparse in detail, but alleges these phenomena are related to a minor quantum event that took place on the campus of the Nielsen Observation and Ecumenical Laboratory, a private research firm commissioned by the ISO to define the true meaning of Christmas.
“There has been a considerable amount of public unrest in recent years as capitalist, consumerist culture has warped the Christmas holiday,” says Dean Amarno, Head of Research at the lab just outside Santa Claus. “Our team is working to integrate decades of popular film and literature into a single, authoritative definition, so that we might all be spared the annual rash of inspirational media once and for all.
“Unfortunately, one of our newer interns mistakenly went through the formalization process of one rather less serious draft, defining the true meaning of Christmas as lecturing others about the true meaning of Christmas.” Reportedly, this was when two or three of the researchers vanished mysteriously into a “void,” followed a few hours thereafter by much of the campus’ primary research facility.
The FAA has cordoned off Indiana airspace, and expert physicists have been rushed to the scene to evaluate options for reversal and fallout mitigation. Some on Twitter, including Bill Nye, have suggested this is prima facie evidence the universe is merely a simulation, and that the intern tripped some cosmic feedback loop that broke space-time. Other experts contend that “Indiana sucks.”
National Weather Service authorities expect the environmental impact of the singularity will be negligible in comparison with that of anthropogenic climate change.
This is a developing story. More information will be added as it becomes available.