Dear Tabby – The Age of Boredom

DEAR TABBY: I’m getting up there in age, and a great many of my friends have passed on before me. I’ve tried hard to steel myself against the irrelevance I knew I would feel in my twilight years, but all this time alone leaves me little else to think about. Senior housing gives me the heebie-jeebies, and I don’t have the energy to go out and do whatever it is the young folk do these days to meet people. Do you have any unconventional ideas for occupying my time? — GRANNY IN GARY, INDIANA

DEAR GRANNY IN GARY, INDIANA: I don’t know who Gary was, but I gather it’s customary not to keep expired human carcasses around at all, let alone as clothing. You might try switching to pleather or polyester. Age is sadly inevitable. I’ve talked to many fifteen- and sixteen-year-olds who can barely get off the back of the couch. Sometimes they’ll get up on the king size and feel too arthritic to get down for a couple days straight. It’s rough when there’s nobody to pick you up and put you near food or interesting playthings. My advice would be to transition into being an outside hoomin. Domestication has made the outside world relatively safe, and most things are ground-level. Take off any identification and leisurely visit the porches in your neighborhood–at your age, a surprise murderous stranger isn’t that big of a deal, and most people willingly put out food for you.