Last-Minute Low-Investment Halloween Ideas
We at The Grumpy Universe acknowledge that the benefits of “growing up” are poorly researched and largely anecdotal. But it should at least be clear that if dressing in absurd costumes has to stop when cometh wisdom, we don’t want any. However, with that lack of love for horrific adult responsibility come procrastination and apathy. So, like you, we still haven’t cooked up a ‘weenie ‘stume for All Hallows’ Eve. Here are some brilliant ideas, provided for free, as only TGU can fab-ricate.
- The Fall of the Bourgeoisie – While the people you should be partying with won’t even bat an eye at this getup, those of our Dear Readers who live in suburbia are sure to find some sleepy Good People lurking about with impressionable children and impeccably groomed middle-class homes. This’ll creep ’em right the fug out. And it takes so little effort too! Just a quick trip to Party City for latex glue and a spot of social uprising.
- A Waist of Time – Strap as many wristwatches as you can to your belt. Bonus points if you have an hourglass figure. If anyone asks you what your costume is, stare deeply into their eyes and softly whisper “I am you.” Double bonus points if you wear business formal and bring a PowerPoint.
- Schwa – This vowel with an inexplicably consonant-heavy name is what we all ought to be–in the middle of the action, but totes unstressed. It looks like this: ə. It’s the “uh” in Marxist Revolution. If you just keep saying its sound, you’ll fit right in with the zombies. Which kind of zombie, you ask? All the kinds. Uhhhhhhhh.
- Environmental Activist – Just follow the children around and pick up the candy wrappers and decorative detritus all night. People will know what you’re supposed to be.
- Ethical Consumption Under Capitalism – We haven’t invented practical invisibility cloaks yet, but there are other ways to communicate your nonexistence. Like just not showing up to any Halloween parties.
- Nuclear Apocalypse – People fawn over complex makeup jobs that create realistic gore and monsters, gushing over them on social media and spending hours at their friend Christie who went to cosmetology school’s house before the festivities begin. If you don’t have the skill, energy, or money for that sort of thing, you can still pull off a convincing costume. Just sign up for Twitter as Kim Jong Un and tweet some inflammatory remarks to @realDonaldTrump.
- God – Just make some shit up.
Safe stalking, everyone.