Derpwatching for Beginners
With fall just around the corner, it’s the perfect time of year to find a quiet spot to do some recreational derpwatching. They’re our neighbors, friends, coworkers, and that guy who always looks like he had way too much coffee. What many people don’t realize is how many varieties of derps are out there, and how much fun it can be to try to spot them all.
Never been derpwatching before? You’ve come to the right place! This beginner’s guide will give you all the information you need to get started on a successful, satisfying derpwatching career.
Safety First!
While derps aren’t known for their public awareness, some derps will become agitated if observed with binoculars, telescopes, or other equipment often used to observe wildlife. It is recommended to leave this equipment at home. Most derps are friendly to humans, but some can become quite hostile with little provocation. It’s recommended to always bring a good derp repellent in case any emergencies arise.
Derp Feeders
Gone are the days of having to lie in wait hoping to spot an elusive derp. Many companies have set up feeding establishments specifically for derps. Derps will flock to these establishments where they can be viewed at your leisure. You don’t even need any special apps to find these hotspots of derp activity: simply type “restaurants near me” into a search engine to get a comprehensive list.
Know Your Derps
A guide to derping will often increase your enjoyment of derpwatching by helping you identify the markings and calls of various types of derps specific to your region. However, here is a short list of some derps you might find in nearly any setting.
- Derpis vulgaris or Common Derp is recognizable by its one to two eyes, zero to four limbs, and lack of an inside voice.
- Derpis bigotis can often be recognized by its distinctive call, which sounds remarkably like the English words “I’m not racist but…”
- Derpis obliviis is a predatory species of derp known for preying on other creatures with its incessant babbling, enabled by its increased lung capacity. Note: DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THIS VARIETY OF DERP.
- Derpis somnolentus, or sleeping derp, is notable for its ability to mimic other varieties of derp to benefit its own social standing.
- Derpis factis alternativus, colloquially known as “the derp in the china shop,” is a dangerous breed of derp known for its poor ability to adapt to sensory input. By some miracle of nature, it is still extant…
- Derpis corporatus is the blandest variety of derp, with drab coloration and limited vocalizations. Recognizable calls include “synergy”, “growth hacking”, “connect. learn. grow.”, and “thought leadership”.
- Derpis trivialus is a species that spends most of its life consuming reality TV.
Record Your Finds
There are a variety of tools to help you record your derp finds and share them with others. Twitter is an excellent platform for reporting derp finds, and has the added bonus that it’s an excellent platform for doing a little online derpwatching without ever leaving your couch.
Have Fun!
Derpwatching can be a relaxing and humorous exercise. It can be enjoyed solo or with friends, and has the advantage of not actually being exercise. With these simple tips, you can be out and about in no time, spotting derps for yourself. Happy derpspotting!