TGU Exclusive: Interview with Zinoxan President Jarbandidax

Few sentient masses have had as galactic an influence as President Jarbandidax of the planet Znoxqueg. Elected Imperator Grossus for seven consecutive cycles by the Union of Blagbloops, Jarbandidax is well-loved by his people and other lower animals. He deigned sit with one of our interns here at TGU HQ to give us a Zinoxan slice of life via translator. The FCC has deemed the footage unfit for dissemination, but the transcript lies below.

TGU: Ah! How nice to see meet you, President Jarbandidax.

PJ: And to you, sweet, sweet, sweet Earthling.

TGU: You’re too kind.

PJ: How clairvoyant! I do in fact have an identical twin. We behave so differently though, that I don’t know I’d call us two of a kind.

TGU: I… oh?

PJ: He was the Vice President of Kitchenware [sic] for a while there, but scandal forced him off the public stage. He just couldn’t cut it. Became the scapegoat for excessive government blending. People went missing.

TGU: Good.

PJ: I’ve been watching your broadcasts from my orbital assault ship. I don’t speak any of your languages though, so there’s not much to glean from that.

TGU: Interesting.

PJ: Still, I know that many Zinoxans back home are in love with Earth entertainment. I understand Beatlemania is pretty popular here too. I do not understand why bipolar insects are so riveting, but the populace demands its loaves and circuits.

TGU: I agree.

PJ: *Hlark* Oh, I’m sorry. That’s mine.

TGU: [laughs]

PJ: I’ll have my servants cut you a check for the carpet cleaners’ fee.

TGU: I’d appreciate that. So: Earthlings are dying to know what it’s like to live on Znoxqueg. You’re the first extraterrestrial life forms we’ve ever encountered. What strikes you as different about our two cultures?

PJ: Well, nothing is hitting me, but I appreciate your concern for my physical safety. I’m sorry to hear about the deaths. I did not realize that information exchange was such a brutal process on Earth…

TGU: …

PJ: I have noticed that Earthlings come in many shapes and sizes and colors, yet only one class seems to wield nearly all the power.

TGU: Yes, misogyny and racism are sadly still pretty preval–

PJ: We Zinoxans have found that quadrupeds have a natural ability to inspire in management positions as leaders of the pack. Rodentia also make perfect custodians for Imperial Hoards. I would encourage Earthlings to open their hearts to the idea of equality in government and civilian life.

TGU: Oh yes, you touched on that during your speech at the UN.

PJ: Oh yes. […laughs?] I am a fan of Ewan McGregor. You are too?

TGU: …

PJ: He has such dreamy eyes.

TGU: Indeed. Mr. President, would you care to comment on the US delegation President Trump formed to determine whether Zinoxans actually exist?

PJ: That fat windbag is so hideous and reckless. Why would you let such a repulsive creature into a position of power?

TGU: His base claims he represents the average Joe better than the alternatives.

PJ: I’m afraid I’m not acquainted with Joe.

TGU: We also try to value equality, even when the system sometimes falls short. We try to give everyone a voice.

PJ: …We’re withdrawing from diplomatic relations.

TGU: Okay, uh… well, thank you sir for your time!

PJ: *Hlark*

Editor’s note: We were unable to verify the accuracy of some portions of the transcript due to the untimely consumption of the royal translator.