Premature Psycommunication

Surveys show that the recent developments in cranial implants have made maintaining healthy romantic relationships more difficult, according to Pew Pew Pew Research. Men and women alike are finding that it’s much harder to restrain the mind from issuing a mental “send” command than it is to keep your finger from pressing a button on good old smartphones, leading to ill-advised messages sent before they’re truly thought through.

“The separation of mental and physical processes heretofore mandated by human existence is vanishing,” says Dr. Terence Ackby, a neuroscientist at John Shopkins. “Where before energy had to be spent to communicate, whether verbally or mechanically, now the line between impulse and action is very blurred. It’s very Star Trek. I can’t wait until we’re pure energy.”

Statistics show that the number of marriages and their average duration are quickly dropping to new lows among populations that can afford cranial implants, the most popular of which is the Google Medulla, released, perhaps suspiciously, to nearly universal praise.

Some doomsayer analysts expect that due to these devices’ abilities to serve entertainment straight to the optic centers of the brain and facilitate passive replacements for once-physical activities, devastating societal laziness and subsequent apathoanarchy will soon follow. Opponents claim we’ll all be too fat to commit crime.